Thursday, March 20, 2014

My Father Visited Me…18 Months After He Died

What would have been my father’s 77th birthday in 2002 was hard. It came 18 months after he’d died. I’d already been through one of his birthdays without him, so it was strange to me that this one was more difficult than the first.

But then, I’d been in a crummy mood anyway. I had a raging case of PMS. My then-only son was not feeling well. My beloved spaniel, Raven, was sick, too, with what we thought was pneumonia, but turned out to be advanced-stage lung cancer. It was all-around a very bad day.

After the veterinarian called and gave us the news about Raven, we went to pick her up from the vet’s office. We then went to Oakland Cemetery, where my father is buried, to take him his gladiolus and chocolate bar. Raven went along, too. As we approached Dad’s grave, she immediately sniffed hard right over his name on the headstone. It was weird, but I also thought, well, at least somebody’s up there who’ll take care of her.

That evening, at bedtime, I lay on the floor with Raven and watched and listened to her struggle to breathe. She was down to 23 pounds, from her usual robust 35 pounds. Her chest rose and fell fast and shallow, and I thought about how similar Dad looked in those last days when he’d sleep.

I crawled into bed but barely slept. I woke up every hour to check on Raven. I’d think about Dad. I’d turn over onto the opposite hip. I got up at 2 a.m. and took half a Benadryl. I finally fell into a dream sleep, and that’s when it happened.

Dad visited me.

It was the first time I'd dreamt about him. I was in a post office. There was a long counter in the front, and tables at the back of the waiting area. I was at the back area, filling out some kind of paperwork. My back was turned away from the front counter.

Then I heard it – whistling, pitch-perfect whistling. I heard a man cracking corny jokes with a clerk at the counter. The man was quoting a limerick I knew I’d heard a thousand times before. I immediately stopped filling out papers. I stood there, frozen.

No, I thought. He can’t be here. He’s dead.

I slowly turned, and looked toward the counter.

There was my father, leaning on his left elbow, turned halfway toward the clerk, halfway toward me. He wore a blue-and-brown-striped Oxford shirt with countless pens and mechanical pencils stuck in the front pocket, and dark blue “Mr. Goodwrench” pants, both of which I’d bought him for his birthday one year. My father was pink and plump, like he was before his open-heart surgery in 1995 for quadruple bypass and an aortic valve replacement.

Dad looked at me, smiled and chuckled. He scared the buhjeezus out of me. I gasped and cried out. I thought, my God, I’m seeing a ghost! Joaquin woke me up. He said I was crying.

I thought about my dream all day long, and wondered why my father just stood there, looking at me and laughing. And then it came to me – that man loved sneaking up behind us and scaring us out of our skin. No doubt, he was laughing because he knew he’d just pulled off the mother of all pranks from beyond the grave. That is so George.

It was no ordinary dream. And, as in life, my father is no ordinary spirit.

Pops, on No. 13.

Pops, it's been 13 years, but even so, you're still here.

Martin, who was only 5 when you died, turns a funny phrase or makes a ridiculous pun and I reply, “Ooooooh, good one, George.” He writes a beautiful, well-composed story for class and I tell him that talent is a gift from me because of you, and your father, and four more generations back.

William, who didn’t arrive until three years after you died, lets out one of his pane-breaking belches, and I reply, “Really, George?” Then I grin and challenge him with “I’ll fight ya’ for the green pieces.”

William has your eyes – round and full of mischief. Martin has your mouth, in more ways than one. Your photos grace our walls and tabletops. We have your scrapbook. I talk about you often.

I want my boys to know you as much as they can, even though you aren’t here. Not only because you’re my father and their grandfather, but because you were so full of integrity, objectivity, honesty, clarity … because you always did the right thing, no matter what.

From me, they’ll learn what an absent-minded, impossible, fallible, funny, brilliant father you were. From the stories that others wrote about you, they’ll learn what a curious, ethical, steadfast, veracious man you were.

We miss you down here, Dad. Don’t be a stranger. 

Here are the stories that ran about my father, George L. Thurston III, in January and March of 2001 in the Tallahassee Democrat:

Saturday, January 4, 2014

New Year, fresh start! Again. But I really mean it this time!

It's the first week of January, and like millions of others, I have vowed to make changes in 2014. Blah, blah, blah. Whatevs.

I almost hate to put it out here because Lord (and a dozen friends) know I've been vowing the past several years to make changes, and while I've succeeded at a few (I have a fabulous job doing what I really love doing, to name one), the one that keeps eluding me is to eat less and move more. Consistently. You know, like, until I've achieved a healthier weight and better level of fitness.

Each year for the past two years, I've even said to myself, "Oh, but this time, it feels different." Blah, blah, blah. What. Evs.

The only things that feel different right now are the way my clothes fit and the way I feel after climbing the 13 stairs in my two-story house. Neither of which are good!

In mid-2012, I started noticing that while I was exercising, my left arm would ache, my chest would hurt, and my heart would pound. If I slowed down or rested, it went away. I chalked it up to being too heavy and very out of shape. But it persisted.

It's a long story, but ultimately, I saw a wonderful local cardiologist (it takes a special kind of physician to earn that description from me), who diagnosed me with "epithelial dysfunction." I was relieved to know I didn't have any coronary artery blockages, but the coronary spasms I do have landed me on two heart medications.

I'm super-excited that this is a completely reversible condition. I could just wait and see if the medications make it happen within the next six months. Orrrrrrr, I could help things along by improving my nutrition and activity level.

So, while I can't say that my desire or commitment to doing this "feels different" this year, I can say that I have started out this commitment differently in at least five ways:

  1. I watched three documentaries designed to educate me about America's food and pharmacy systems (Food Inc., Forks Over Knives and American Addict). I think it's important to note that I also watched The Conjuring, about a family plagued by a super-demonic spirit, and the food and pharmacy documentaries scared me more than the scary movie!
  2. I joined a gym for the first time in six years.
  3. I've committed to a whole-foods/plant-focused diet. I've also committed to being more particular about where our food comes from -- namely, it must come from within about a 300-mile radius. What meat we do eat must be organic, grass-fed and/or raised and slaughtered in the most humane way possible. (Food Inc. left me horrified by the conditions in which major food distributors raise, kill and process chickens, cows and pigs.) HORR.IFF.IED.
  4. I've actually put my goals, tactics and overall plan on paper! Woohoo!
  5. I'm writing about it. My blog has been mostly idle for a couple of years now. I've decided to use it to chronicle this new journey I'm on. 
So. That's it. I'm really looking forward to seeing ... not what 2014 brings to me, but what I bring to 2014.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

To My Mother, on Mother's Day

To My Mother
on Mother's Day

 “A mother is the truest friend we have,
when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us;
when adversity takes the place of prosperity;
when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine,
desert us when troubles thicken around us,
still will she cling to us,
and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels
to dissipate the clouds of darkness,
and cause peace to return to our hearts.”  
 ~ Washington Irving

Children, look in those eyes, listen to that dear voice,
notice the feeling of even a single touch
that is bestowed upon you by that gentle hand!
Make much of it while yet you have that
most precious of all good gifts, a loving mother.
Read the unfathomable love of those eyes;
the kind anxiety of that tone and look,
however slight your pain.
In after life you may have friends, fond, dear friends,
but never will you have again
the inexpressible love and gentleness
lavished upon you, which none but a mother bestows.

~ Thomas B. Macaulay

That is my mother.
Then. Now. And every day in between.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
I love you with all my heart.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

"A Time I Had Courage"

I love William's second-grade teacher, Ms. Webb. She gets her students -- and especially my 8-year-old -- thinking about life ... in funny, silly and serious ways. One of her assignments recently was to have her students write about "A Time I Had Courage." 

William was only 27 months old the time he had to have the most courage ever, so he has little if any original memory of this time, but we have talked to him about it enough, he has seen photos of this time enough, and he has heard us tell his story to others enough, that he knows a lot about this particular time he had courage. 

I'm not going to tell his story this time, though. He has done that all on his own . With William's permission, here is his story about "A Time I Had Courage."